Come on, come on, come on, come on, let's go. We gotta go.
Shit. Come on, come on, get in.
He was so young. No one should have to die that way.
I mean, I just can't believe he's dead, that's all.
I know. But, Katie,
guys like Rasul, they get mixed up in stuff...
No, I know, I know. But what if it was my fault?
What if Kick-Ass did it?
I mean, I feel like I should call the cops or something.
What? You're talking crazy.
There's no way. He probably didn't even read your e-mail yet.
- Yeah. - You've got nothing to worry about.
I'm so glad you're here.
I was such a mess.
That's okay.
- No problem. - You're the best.
I hope it's okay to say this, but... It so sucks that you're gay.
I don't fucking believe this.
What kind of children's enter-fucking-tainer is that?
What kind of kid has a... A Spider-Man party, sure, but a fucking Kick-Ass party?
What, are they selling paper plates and napkins down at the store now?
Frank, you're scaring me. You're losing it.
Since when did you start getting your hands dirty again? And in public!
Since when I ask you fucks to deliver me Kick-Ass,
- and you don't deliver, that's when. - Give me a break. It's been a week.
We e-mailed him. We got half the crew out doing petty crimes as bait.
We're busting our asses here.
What the hell are you doing?
You're back on the powder now, as well?
"Mommy, I want a Kick-Ass party." Dumb little fucks.
- I know a way you can get him. - Shit.
Chris, how long you been there?
What the hell are you doing? Get the hell out.
Do you want to hear it or not?
- Hear what? - Okay, look,
you're a superhero and you're lonely, but you can't trust anyone
'cause either they'll expose your secret identity...
Comic books this kid reads all fucking day long.
The point is there's only one way a superhero can trust a stranger.
And I can be that stranger. You just gotta give me a chance.
I know I can do it. I just need a few things.
Like what?
I need these things.
What, are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is this?
It's everything I need.
And you might have to screw someone over, like Louie, or something.
- Louie? Hey, Chris. - Or somebody. It doesn't have to be Louie.
- Tony! - Tony.
- Tony? - I hate Tony.
Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.
I swear, Dad, if you let me do this, it's gonna work.
Tony.
Tony Romita, one of America's most-wanted crime kingpins,
was arrested in Queens today
after a 911 call from someone claiming to be a superhero...
So, how are things going with Katie?
Just peachy.
We had a sleepover and spent the whole night
watching the entire Ugly Betty box set and did pedicures.
I'm telling you, the longer you wait, the worse it's gonna get.
I know. I was gonna tell her. It's just, she seems so happy.
- I don't know when's the right time. - Now's your chance.
- She didn't see that, did she? - Hey, guys.
- Hi! - Hi, sweetie.
Did you watch the TV? The new superhero guy?
- How cool is that? - What?
- Hey, look. - Could you turn it up, please?
- Check this out. - ...dressed as Kick-Ass.
But it seems that far from being put off, this individual, who calls himself Red Mist,
has decided to take crime-fighting to a new level,
as his actions last night proved. Red Mist, how do you see it?
Well, I guess folks have just had enough of living in fear, you know,
and Kick-Ass really proved that one individual can make a difference.
So if anyone out there needs help, I'll be fighting crime 25/8.
And I'm just one click away. Redmist. org.
Can we turn that off now? What's so special about that guy?
He caught, like, a drug dealer, some most-wanted guy.
You saw him bringing out like a ton of stuff.
That's pretty cool.
He's got a way better costume than Kick-Ass, too.
- He's got a cape. - Yeah.
- Capes rock. - Yeah, I'm kind of feeling the cape.
He looks good.
What, better than Kick-Ass?
I mean, they're both kind of hot. I just think Red Mist has a better body.
Don't you think, Dave?
Yeah, Dave, what do you think?
Is he the kind of guy you'd go for, with all that leather?
No, Marty. No, he's not really my type.
Kick-Ass!
Red Mist.
Shit! Fuck me, that kind of hurt.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, no, I'm cool.
I can't believe you're here, man. Like, you're my hero.
You inspired me. No Kick-Ass, no Red Mist.
- Seriously. - Wow.
- Hey, really? - Straight up. And listen, if you...
I don't know, if you wanted me to be your sidekick or something...
You wanna be my sidekick?
Yeah, man! You and me together, we would own!
You wanna go fight some crime?
What you mean, like, right now?
Yeah, man, come on. I got something I wanna show you.
I mean, like, to be honest with you,
I only ever fight crime between like 9:00 and 2:00, weekdays.
So I'm gonna need to get back pretty soon.
Sweet!
- Is that yours? - Meet the Mist Mobile.
SatNav. Got my iPhone, so I can check the websites
for emergencies when I'm driving around.
Got a little bit of mood lighting right there.
Rearview camera, no big deal.
Check this, you're gonna fucking love this.
The mist.
Hey.
That's right, we're superheroes. You love us.
- Smoke? - No.
I feel a little weed takes the edge off things when I'm on patrol, you know?
Going up against a crowd can get kind of scary, don't you think?
Something wrong?
Yeah. You're so not how I expected.
I got this e-mail from this chick.
She said this guy's been following her home from work.
I got her address and stuff. You wanna check it out?
- Sure, why not? - Cool.
So we're sitting there totally naked, right?
I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about the first thing that comes up."
- Yeah? - Just got the text. He's on his way.
He did very good.
- Don't kill him till I get there. - Right.
Looks like reading all them comics paid off, huh?
Your boy did good, Frankie.
He's his father's son.
I forgot.
What the fuck?
Shit.
- Hey, what are you doing? - There are people in there.
Yeah. Shouldn't we call the fire...
Shit!
Mikey.
Fuck.
- Shit. Fuck. - Red Mist!
Red Mist! Red Mist!
Hey. Hey, man, can you hear me? Hey.
Jesus Christ!
Red Mist! Red Mist!
Where the fuck are you?
We gotta get the hell out of here. Dude, move your fucking ass!
Holy shit!
- Did you see those bodies? - Yeah, man.
- Why'd you save the teddy? - What?
I don't know, man. Come on.
Come.
What the hell are you doing, Frank?
You know I can't be here. What if somebody saw...
That motherfucker Kick-Ass burnt down my warehouse
and killed my men, Gigante.
Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Kick-Ass?
- Are you sure? - You gotta help me, Vic.
My son was there, and he's still missing.
They're all dead! Everybody in the warehouse is dead.
Put the gun down, Vic. It's Chris.
Chris is Red Mist?
It's not Red Mist you gotta worry about. It's Kick-Ass.
No, no, no, it's not. Kick-Ass is just some geek, Dad.
You don't have to worry about him. You need to watch this.
- Why, what does it do? - Are you fucking kidding me?
- What? - God damn it, just sit down.
What are you doing? What the hell is that thing?
You bought this to spy on the nanny when I was a kid. Don't you remember?
- What, and you put it in the warehouse? - Yeah, I thought it'd be cool
to put the unmasking of Kick-Ass on the Internet, okay?
Watch.
I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about the first thing that comes up."
- Yeah? - Just got the text. He's on his way.
He did very good.
- Don't kill him till I get there. - Right.
Who the hell is this guy?
I don't know, Dad.
But Kick-Ass told me we're not the only superheroes in town.
Maybe he knows who this guy is.
I want this place locked down.
Nobody comes in, nobody goes out.
Not until somebody finds this cocksucker
and pulls his fucking lungs out through his ass.
Listen, they're on to you.
Do you hear me? They're on to you.
I thought they were looking for Kick-Ass.
Not anymore. Gigante just put on a little movie-show for us.
Different superhero in a warehouse, killing a whole bunch of D'Amico's guys.
I'm gonna take a wild guess that was you.
- I killed all the cameras. - Apparently not.
Look, bro, you need to get ghost. Hide yourself quick.
Appreciate it.
Mindy,
no more homework, baby doll.
It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.
X- Men, the Fantastic Four, right now, I envy the crap out of them.
Everything was out of control. I didn't know what the hell to do.
You okay, buddy? You look tired. Early night tonight, maybe?
And there was no one I could talk to about it.
Dave? Hello?
Yeah, you bet I will.
I'd never felt more alone.
I'd always dreamed of being a superhero, but this was a nightmare.
It was time to stop wearing this stupid costume.
But there was one last thing I needed it for.
What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker?
Spider-Man gets the girl.
Hey, I'm Kick-Ass.
I'm Kick-Ass. You mail me?
Wait...
Fuck! Fuck!
Fucking freak in a mask! Get out of my house!
I'm not gonna hurt you, all right?
No, no, no! It's me, it's me!
All right? I was only trying to surprise you. I'm...
- Dave? What the fuck are you doing? - I'm sorry.
- Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass? - Because I am Kick-Ass.
- What are you talking about? - And I'm also not gay.
- Fuck! - And I'm an idiot and a shit friend.
I lied to you, I know.
- Oh, my God. - I know. If it makes you feel any better,
I don't think you can hate me any more right now than I hate myself.
Please, I'm...
Look, I'm really, really sorry.
I've never met anyone who's as beautiful and as kind and lovely as you.
You deserve better.
- Dave. - Yes?
My mom has the burglar alarm on downstairs,
so you should probably use the window.
Or...
Or you could just stay.
Stay?
What, like when we have a sleepover?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
Wow.
We gotta get over it,
on top of it, and then into it, right in the middle of it.
Daddy, I think I found one.
It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days.
It's 300,000 bucks.
Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on?
Oh, my gosh!
- That is cool. - Yeah.
Add to shopping cart.
Okay.
Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist, who do you think would win in a fight?
Why are they fighting? That seems stupid.
- What do you think? - I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter.
Really?
I, for one, would definitely fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
You would?
Definitely.
Do you feel like checking out that new Kate Hudson movie
where she's like a shoe designer, can't get a guy?
- I think we could make the next showing. - Hell, yeah.
I guess we're not invited.
All right. You know what? Come here.
I'm going to convert you to a comics reader right now.
Suddenly, I understood why superheroes only existed in comic books.
I got why people didn't risk their lives for strangers.
Because for the first time in my life,
I had something worth living for,
something to lose.
Katie worried about me getting hurt,
so I promised her my Kick-Ass days were over.
And the truth was I hardly missed it at all.
I hadn't even checked the website for, like, a week.
Okay, I'm off then.
- No Katie tonight? - Tomorrow.
Wednesdays, she's got one of those volunteer things.
You seem like a different guy, you know that?
Your mom would have been so happy to see you out of your shell like this.
Have a good night.
- Hey, baby. - Hey, what's going on?
I gotta do a Kick-Ass thing.
What? I thought you were done with that.
This is the last time. I totally swear.
I worry about you.
Well, I wish you wouldn't worry.
I can't help it. I do because I...
I care about you a lot.
I care about you a lot, too.
This better be pretty serious, dude,
'cause I promised my girlfriend that I'm done with all this shit.
How about both of us being dead? Is that serious enough for you?
Dead? How?
It turns out those dead guys from the warehouse
had some bad motherfuckers for friends, and they think we did that shit.
There's a price on our heads, man.
A price on our heads? What is this, the Wild West?
I'm not messing with you, dude. They found out where I lived.
They trashed my place. I'm fucking screwed.
- And you're gonna be next, okay? - What?
Shit.
What do we do?
Remember you mentioned that there are other superheroes?
Yeah?
Well, do you think they can help us?
Hot chocolate, extra marshmallows.
Man, that looks even cooler than it did in the picture.
Child, you know, that's because in the picture, it didn't have Gatling guns.
Nice job.
I'm gonna take mine to bed, okay?
Okay, baby doll. Sleep tight.
Thanks. Kick-Ass?
You go get dressed. I'll tell him to meet us at Safe House B.
We'll have our hot chocolate when we get back.
- Okay, Daddy. - Come on.
- There you go. - All right.
- Do you know where that is? - No, but I'll just put it in the GPS.
- It's what it's for. - All right, let's go.
Shit.
Okay, okay, okay.
Well, here you are and Red Mist, too.
- Pleasure to meet you. - Good to meet you, sir.
Please, come in.
After you.
Hit Girl, manners, honey.
Hi, I'm Hit Girl.
No!
Your ass is mine! Come on.
No, he's with me. He's okay.
Shut the fuck up, kid. Your daddy's the boss. You go home.
Are you shitting me? No, he's fine. He's with me.
- Let him go. - Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here.
Hot damn. I always wanted one of these.
- You're seriously gonna take that? - Yes.
Come on, sweet cheeks.
If you don't get your wannabe superhero ass in the car...
- That's funny. - ...you're gonna have a lot of trouble
- on your hands. - That's really funny. You're so fired.
- Kick-Ass... - Get him out of here. Get him out of here.
- Get him in the van. - Let go of me. Put me down.
Kick-Ass, I'm sorry!
- Get in the car. - Get in there!
You better fire this asshole.
Ignore him...
A bazooka?
- Okay. - We had a deal, Dad.
We had a fucking deal that I would get you the guy who did it,
and all I'm asking is you let Kick-Ass go. He didn't do anything wrong.
Chris, you got to look at this from my point of view. Okay?
I gotta send a public service message to the people out there
that being a superhero is bad for your health.
And the Big motherfucker? Nobody knows who he is.
- Yeah, but that's not fair! - Yeah, life's not fair, kid. Get over it.
What are you gonna do to them?
You really wanna be a part of my business?
Yeah.
Then sit down, shut up and watch.
Frank, we're ready. Enjoy the show.
- Are you controlling this right now? - I sure am.
Big Brother, watch and learn.
Welcome back. Breaking News.
A worldwide web broadcast of the New York superhero
who calls himself Kick-Ass is about to be shown live.
Rumors have it that this will be Kick-Ass's farewell appearance,
that he will announce his retirement from crime fighting.
But as word of mouth continues to spread,
Internet providers are predicting that
it could be one of the most widely-viewed live events in web history.
Wait, where's Dave?
There are no clues as yet as to the exact nature...
- Holy shit. Have you guys noticed... - He's with Katie.
- Obviously. - ...come to a standstill to watch.
Why else would I be here?
There's no idea as to who is behind the broadcast of this show,
but we could see widespread server crashes...
Dave, why didn't you tell me this is what you were doing?
You're on the news. Call me.
We go now over live to the countdown clock as we are moments away.
Show time.
Hello, boys and girls.
Now, this...
Well, you know who this guy is.
And this guy here is Big Daddy.
And these are my friends.
Come on in, guys, say hello.
Yeah, yeah, there they are. Hello, hello.
Now Big Daddy and Kick-Ass are gonna help us
show you why being a hero is a bad idea.
You know what a silent "K" is?
That's when "K" is at the beginning of the word,
but you don't pronounce it. Like in the word "Knuckleduster."
Show them what a knuckleduster can do, guy.
That must have hurt! Let's see that again from the other side.
Go on. Yeah, I think it did.
Now in France, they say the word "stick" like this, bāton.
We got some of Kick-Ass's bātons.
We're gonna show you what they can do. Go ahead, boys.
In America, we say "stick" like this. Baseball bat.
Which is very good for hitting knees and stomachs.
It's also good for hitting balls.
Know what else we do? We don't do them individually.
We do them all together. Gentlemen, please.
Yeah. This looks very painful.
Due to the distressing nature of the images, we are unable to broadcast the events
currently streaming live on the Internet.
- Fuck. - No. No, no, no.
Despite initial speculation that this may be some kind of hoax or publicity stunt,
it is now clear that the hostages are in genuine danger,
that all signs point to the intention to stage a live execution in the next few minutes.
Even with my metal plates and my fucked-up nerve endings,
I got to tell you, that hurt.
The kerosene.
Yes, the silent killer.
But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind.
Katie,
my dad,
Todd and Marty.
And all the things I'd never do, like learn to drive,
or see what me and Katie's kids would look like
or find out what happened on Lost.
Spicy, spicy.
And if you're reassuring yourself
that I'm gonna make it through this since I'm talking to you now,
quit being such a smartass.
Hell, dude, you never seen Sin City, Sunset Blvd., American Beauty?
And this, for all you cavemen out there,
is fire.
No.
I know.
Fire. Fire is good.
Fire is our friend.
Yeah, yeah.
Gentlemen,
time to die.
What the...
What the fuck just happened? Hey, hey. Somebody find the lights.
Hello!
Jimmy.
Jesus Christ.
Bobby? Bobby?
Get the lighter!
It's on the floor right over there. Find the lighter.
I got it.
- No! - Take cover, child.
Now switch to Kryptonite.
Kryptonite.
Go to Robin's Revenge!
Robin, Robin.
Show's over, motherfuckers.
Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.
She looks like she's about 11 years old, but...
I can wait! I solemnly vow to save myself for her.
That should be really difficult for you. Are you okay?
Yeah.
Good job.
I'm so proud of you, baby doll.
Are you okay?
But getting shot, Daddy, it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
That's 'cause I used low velocity rounds, child.
You're the kindest daddy in the whole world.
No, I just...
I love you.
I love you, too, Daddy.
Sleep tight.
What's your name?
I mean your real name.
A superhero never reveals his true identity.
What? Look, you can't go on...
However you lived before,
it's over.
Is there anybody else? Your family or...
Look, I can take care of myself.
I saved your sorry ass.
What about money, huh? All right, 'cause you got to think long term.
I've got $3 million in a suitcase.
That "long term" enough for you?
It's not all about the money.
I owe you.
If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.
And if it wasn't for you,
my dad wouldn't be.
Look,
pack up whatever you need and we'll go back to my place.
I just need to clean my...
Just go.
I meant like pajamas and clothes and stuff. You can't take that stuff to my house.
You know what my dad really would have wanted?
He would have wanted me to finish what we started.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Is this Frank D'Amico's place?
All that security?
- Are you crazy? - My mom already died for nothing.
So I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing, too.
You can't do this on your own.
Exactly.
Do you wanna deal with owing my dad?
Then shut the hell up and pick your weapon.
Is that what I think it is?
Damn straight.
And you better start reading the instructions,
'cause you're gonna be using it in about five minutes.
Yo, listen up. We got five minutes, then I want you back on your posts.
And don't leave a mess.
- Everything okay? - Everything's all right, boss.
I can't believe I got my gun back. Look at that.
You know, it's not the...
Let her in.
It's a little kid. What's the matter with you?
You okay, sweetheart?
I...
I lost my mommy and daddy.
She lost her mommy and daddy.
You want to use my cell phone?
Now can you remember the number?
Help!
Had I ever been a real superhero?
The most I'd ever had to offer the world was good intentions
and a slightly elevated capacity to take a kicking.
With no power comes no responsibility.
Except that wasn't true.
- Did you hear that? - Holy shit.
Take cover, please.
Shit.
No.
Shit.
What the fuck?
Get in here. Help me out!
Holy fuck, Fashion, everybody's dead.
She's behind the counter. She's out of ammo, okay?
Do you think they got them?
If they didn't, he will.
Get out there.
Now?
Yeah, now.
What the fuck is going on?
We got her trapped. She's unarmed.
So what in the hell are you guys waiting for?
- Go get her. - Go on, man.
- Go get her. - I ain't got no fucking gun.
I'm not going in.
You do now.
Now move.
Fuck this shit. I'm getting the bazooka.
Bazooka?
It's only me, boss. Everything's under control.
Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumbass.
Sir?
Do it.
I always wanted to say this.
Say hello to my little friend!
Dirty motherfuckers!
Holy shit.
That is one weird-sounding bazooka.
Stu!
Fuck!
Get him.
Playtime's over, kid.
I never play.
Oh, really?
Ruin my business, huh?
Kill every single fucking guy on my payroll?
God, I wish I had a son like you.
Time for a family reunion.
Hey.
Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Time to go home.
Thanks, Kick-Ass.
My daddy,
he would have been proud of both of us.
Dave.
Dave Lizewski.
I know that, dumbass.
Mindy.
Mindy Macready.
- Have a good day. Bye. - Bye.
Mindy moved in with Marcus, and he enrolled her at my school.
- Bye. - Good luck.
First school she'd ever been to, on the promise that I'd look out for her.
Hey.
Not that she needed me to.
Hey, new kid.
Hi.
Lunch money.
Now.
Kick-Ass was gone, but not forgotten.
And my world was much safer with all the new superheroes.
They said I was their inspiration,
but all I did was make a door into a world I'd dreamed about
since I was a little kid.
A world full of superheroes, huh?
As a great man once said,
"Wait till they get a load of me."